I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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