Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
