I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
