she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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