he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
