Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
