Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
