i just sent this text using only my big toe
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
