Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
