Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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