dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
