I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
