happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
