cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize