Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
