I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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