My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
