After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize