thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
