STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
