Can i not drive my cunt home
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
