honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
