And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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