Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
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