i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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