Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Every concussion has its silver lining
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
