That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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