whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
