the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
