i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
