Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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