Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
