He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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