so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
