I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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