Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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