just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
