You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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