Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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