we have pet lesbian snakes
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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