im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
