Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
