Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
