I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
