All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
