omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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