i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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