tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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