I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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