Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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