He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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