yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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