It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
