Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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