That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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