Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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