4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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