bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
