I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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