my phone needs a breathalizer
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
