I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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